In The Beginning
10/1/2015 9:21 AM
One of my earliest childhood memories is the one where I wake up from sleep on my step uncle’s lap to find his finger inside of me. I can’t remember how old I was, I was definitely young enough to still be falling asleep on an adult’s lap but too young to really comprehend what was happening. I pretended to still be asleep, because I didn’t like what was happening to me, I was uncomfortable with everything but I wasn’t sure how to deal with it, so I just “slept” through it. I never went near my uncle again after that day. My parents would often take my siblings and I to his house so that his wife could watch us, so I would make sure that I would always stay close to his wife and I never fell asleep around him again. I never told my parents about this experience.
Years later, as a very young teen, my step father’s friends began looking at me funny and saying things that made me feel uncomfortable, although it never occurred to me that I was at risk. Then at 14 years of age I got myself a boyfriend. He was much older than I was, that was what made him so intriguing to me. I used to visit him at his home, or we would meet at the local park, wherever we could spend some time alone. Of course we kissed and get close but I never intended to do anything more than that. One day he decided that he wanted to do more than just make out in the park, and my “no” was not heard. He raped me in the park then left me there and went home. I was so upset I couldn’t keep it to myself so I told my uncle’s wife. She told my mother and everything went crazy. I was taken to the police station, an allegation was made, I gave a statement, a rape kit was done, all systems were go! I didn’t quite know what was happening, this was not what I had intended, I just told my aunt because I needed to talk to someone. I didn’t mean for all of this to happen, but here it was happening, and there was nothing that I could do about it except go with the flow.
When it was all over, my family was disgusted with me. How could I have had a boyfriend, and one that was so old? What did I expect? Was I even really a virgin before that, or am I just saying something now because I think I am pregnant. I wasn’t allowed to sleep in my own room because I shared a bed with my younger sisters and I was not pure enough to sleep in that room anymore, so I slept in the living room. My movements were closely monitored and I was not allowed to leave the home except to go to school. Then one evening while my parents were at work, one of my stepfather’s friends came to visit, as he always did. He had always joked that he was going to break my virginity, and so was very upset to learn of what had happened to me. He gave my younger siblings money to go buy themselves candy at the corner store, and once they were out of the way he proceeded to rape me. I was crying when my siblings came back and my brother heard me crying and knocked on the door. This was why my attacker stopped. My brother told my mother that my attacker and I were locked in my bedroom, which I shared with my sisters, together and that I was crying. When my mother quizzed my, I knew that should would not have believed me so I failed to tell her what happened and instead made up some crazy story. He came back several times after that, and no matter how hard I tried to fight him off I always failed and he was always successful with his attack.
I wondered what it was about me that made all of this happen. There must be something that I did. I was obviously too sexual, it was my fault. I left home shortly after that as this was the only way I could escape. It was the only way that I could raise, raise above the ashes of my shame, an emotional rebirth.
The Risen Pheonix