It is important to understand why a cycle of violence continues in a Muslim household regardless of clear guidelines in Islam against oppression. There are multiple reasons behind the behaviors of abusers, victims, families and communities at large. A good first step to stop any cycle of violence is to understand the reasons behind it. Once you understand it, you can help in stopping it too.
Abuse is a choice.
Abusers know what they are doing and what they want from their victim. If no one speaks out against them, they will continue.
Abuse is about control.
Abusers often feel little control over other aspects of their lives, so they attempt to control their partner in order to cover up this insecurity.
Abuse may follow a pattern.
Abusers may once have been a victim. Anger and violence may seem like a normal way to express anger and frustration.
Abusers use excuses like these to rationalize their behavior. Pay attention to the suggested responses. The responses send a signal that you do not accept abuse.
| The Excuse |
Your Response |
| "In Islam, it's my duty to discipline them." |
"Islam does not prescribe oppression of anyone." |
| "I was having a bad day." |
"Hurting or making someone else feel bad will never solve your problems or improve your day." |
| "It's not abuse." |
"You hurt them. It is abuse." |
| "They got me upset/angry, etc." |
"No matter how someone makes you feel, it's up to YOU to choose how to respond." |
| "It was a one-time thing. It won't happen again." |
"Once is one time too many to abuse someone." |
| "They deserve it." |
"No one deserves to be abused—for any reason." |
| "I was drunk/high. Drugs made me do it." |
"Stop blaming other things. Nothing can force you to act a certain way—it is a choice you make." |
| "I didn't mean to hurt them." |
"Well, you did. And that's abuse." |
As an outside observer, it may be difficult to understand why people stay in abusive relationships. You may think, "If someone did that to me, I'd leave in a second."
Among the reasons why victims stay are:
Fate
They consider it their destiny, something that is written and cannot be changed.
Mistaken Understanding of Islam
The victim may mistakenly believe that Islam does not allow him or her to leave an abusive relationship.
Protecting Islam
The victim may believe that remaining silent about the abuse keeps others from thinking badly about Muslims and Islam.
Family/community pride
The victims may worry that speaking up about the abuse, or leaving the abuser, may harm the reputation of the family or community.
Divorce
Divorce is not acceptable in the victim's culture or family.
Custody
They may be scared of losing the custody of their children
Fear of physical harm
The victim may be frightened of being physically hurt, even of losing their life.
Immigration status
They may be afraid of losing immigration status or be afraid of deportation.
Financial dependency
The victims may not have any source of income and they may depend fully or partially on the abuser.
Age
The victim may feel too old to make a new start.
Love
The victim may have truly deep feelings for the abusive partner, regardless of the abuse, and be unwilling to leave.
Promises, promises
Abusers may promise that the behavior will never happen again.
It's what they know
The lines between love and being controlled may become blurred if they've grown up in this environment. They may not recognize that while abuse may be a normal part of his/her relationship, it is not normal for a healthy relationship.
Guilt
Abuse often includes a pattern of blaming the victim and making them feel as though it is their fault.
"No one would believe me"
The victim may feel as though he/she lacks support if they tell the truth. He/she may also fear being alone and losing family and friends.
"I can change him/her"
The victim may believe the abuser can change over time.
Low self-esteem
After being verbally/emotionally abused, a victim may feel that he/she can do no better than the current relationship, or that no one else will want them. The victim may feel they deserve the abuse.
Misunderstanding of Muslim family law
The victim's family may misunderstand the rights and responsibilities of various family members under Islamic law.
Family pride
The family may worry about harming their reputation. One woman's divorce may harm the marriage prospects of her younger sisters.
Divorce is unacceptable
Negative stigma attached to divorce plays a role in downplaying domestic violence.
Financial challenge
The family's financial situation often determines their reaction to domestic violence. They may keep quiet to avoid the cost of taking care of a victim and her children.
Love
The family may have truly deep feelings for the abuser, regardless of the abuse, and is unwilling to confront them.
Promises, promises
Abusers may promise that the behavior will never happen again.
It's what they know
They may believe abuse is normal, that it happens in every family.
They don't know what to do
The family may not know what they should do to help the victim. They may be scared of the American social services system and fear severe consequences for their loved ones.
False Hopes
The family may believe that the abuser can change over time.