In The Beginning

Posted by The Risen Pheonix
10/1/2015 9:21 AM  RssIcon

One of my earliest childhood memories is the one where I wake up from sleep on my step uncle’s lap to find his finger inside of me. I can’t remember how old I was, I was definitely young enough to still be falling asleep on an adult’s lap but too young to really comprehend what was happening. I pretended to still be asleep, because I didn’t like what was happening to me, I was uncomfortable with everything but I wasn’t sure how to deal with it, so I just “slept” through it. I never went near my uncle again after that day. My parents would often take my siblings and I to his house so that his wife could watch us, so I would make sure that I would always stay close to his wife and I never fell asleep around him again. I never told my parents about this experience.

Years later, as a very young teen, my step father’s friends began looking at me funny and saying things that made me feel uncomfortable, although it never occurred to me that I was at risk. Then at 14 years of age I got myself a boyfriend. He was much older than I was, that was what made him so intriguing to me. I used to visit him at his home, or we would meet at the local park, wherever we could spend some time alone. Of course we kissed and get close but I never intended to do anything more than that. One day he decided that he wanted to do more than just make out in the park, and my “no” was not heard. He raped me in the park then left me there and went home. I was so upset I couldn’t keep it to myself so I told my uncle’s wife. She told my mother and everything went crazy. I was taken to the police station, an allegation was made, I gave a statement, a rape kit was done, all systems were go! I didn’t quite know what was happening, this was not what I had intended, I just told my aunt because I needed to talk to someone. I didn’t mean for all of this to happen, but here it was happening, and there was nothing that I could do about it except go with the flow.

When it was all over, my family was disgusted with me. How could I have had a boyfriend, and one that was so old? What did I expect? Was I even really a virgin before that, or am I just saying something now because I think I am pregnant. I wasn’t allowed to sleep in my own room because I shared a bed with my younger sisters and I was not pure enough to sleep in that room anymore, so I slept in the living room. My movements were closely monitored and I was not allowed to leave the home except to go to school. Then one evening while my parents were at work, one of my stepfather’s friends came to visit, as he always did. He had always joked that he was going to break my virginity, and so was very upset to learn of what had happened to me. He gave my younger siblings money to go buy themselves candy at the corner store, and once they were out of the way he proceeded to rape me. I was crying when my siblings came back and my brother heard me crying and knocked on the door. This was why my attacker stopped. My brother told my mother that my attacker and I were locked in my bedroom, which I shared with my sisters, together and that I was crying. When my mother quizzed my, I knew that should would not have believed me so I failed to tell her what happened and instead made up some crazy story. He came back several times after that, and no matter how hard I tried to fight him off I always failed and he was always successful with his attack.

I wondered what it was about me that made all of this happen. There must be something that I did. I was obviously too sexual, it was my fault. I left home shortly after that as this was the only way I could escape. It was the only way that I could raise, raise above the ashes of my shame, an emotional rebirth.

The Risen Pheonix

Your name:
Gravatar Preview
Your email:
(Optional) Email used only to show Gravatar.
Your website:
Add Comment   Cancel 





Blog List

In The Beginning
Emotional Literacy -- The Key to Preventing Domestic Violence
Feeling Like an Expert?
Forebearance and the Family
The Heartsick Judge
Letter to a Stranger
True Love in Marriage – A Mirage, Why?
Wholeness of Love - The Tranquil Home
Greatness of Women
Stand with Purple
Indian Documentary Film Maker Tackles Child Abuse
Cultural Differences and Child Abuse
Adoption in Islam: Not in my house
The Plight of Abused Muslim Parents
Team Up with Ramadan
Revive the Spirit: Do 4 Things for Aasiya
The Origin of The International Purple Hijab Day
E-Wali--A Good Idea
One Easy Thing to Do to Help Keep Kids Safe
Five Tips on Finances / Your Financial Safety Plan
The Issue of Child Abuse: What We Should Do
It's all about Saving Muslim Lives at Home!
Stop Domestic Violence: Wake Up, Speak Up, Team Up
Please Help Me: The Child Abuse Epidemic
On Shaima Alawadi, family violence, and hate crimes
Hurting Homes
Honor is Gender Neutral
My Khutbah Against Domestic Violence
Abuse of Women is Sadly Endemic
Do we have a Will to End Domestic Violence?
Domestic Violence, Islam and Muslim Women
Domestic Violence: A Violation of Islam
Honor and Terror
Muslims Working Against Domestic Violence
Muslim women wage jihad against violence
Imam Zaid Shakir: The Problem of Domestic Abuse
The Wife-Beating issue and its impact on our community
ALLAH Prohibits Domestic Violence
Does the Quran Tolerate Domestic Abuse?
Inviting Muslims to Respond to Domestic Violence
VOICE TO ACTION: Muslims Against Domestic Violence
SISTERS Annual Tea Honors Muslimat Al Nisaa Shelter
Did We ever Bother to know Muzzammil?
Downtown Chicago Event
He Stood Right Here



Muslim Community (19)
Hadith (15)
Muslim Domestic Violence (15)
Quran (15)
Muslim Abusive Marriage (14)
Muslim Abusive Relationships (14)
Muslim Battered Women (14)
Daraba (13)
Muslim domestic abuse (13)
Muslim women rights (13)
Nushuz (13)
Prophet Mohammad (13)
Muslim wife beating (10)
Muslim Help (9)
Muslim Support (9)
Aasiya Zubair (7)
Domestic Violence (6)
Child abuse (4)
Abuse (3)
Muslim Child Abuse (3)
Muslim Family Violence (3)
Muzzamil Hassan (3)
parenting (3)
Activism (2)
Adultery (2)
Bridges TV (2)
Dar al Islam (2)
domestic abuse (2)
Family Violence (2)
Islam (2)
Muslim abuse (2)
Muslim dating (2)
Muslim Honor Killing (2)
Muslim Relationships (2)
Muzzammil Hassan (2)
Ramadan (2)
Unhealthy Relationships (2)
Abdifatah Mohamud (1)
Abused Elderly Parents (1)
Abusive Children (1)
American Muslim community (1)
Awareness (1)
case (1)
Child Safety (1)
council (1)
Counseling (1)
Eid (1)
Emotional Literacy (1)
Enith Morillo (1)
e-wali (1)
Family (1)
Father (1)
finances (1)
financial safety plan (1)
Friday Sermon (1)
gang rape (1)
Happy Homes (1)
Healthy Relationships (1)
Iftaar (1)
Jahliyah (1)
Jihad (1)
Kashif Pervaiz (1)
Khalil Wimes (1)
Kidnapping (1)
Love (1)
marriage (1)
matrimonial (1)
media (1)
Mentor (1)
Mukhtar Mai (1)
Muslim American Community (1)
Muslim Child Molestation (1)
Muslim Children Rights (1)
Muslim Families (1)
Muslim Marriage (1)
Muslim Parenting (1)
Muslim Parents (1)
Muslims (1)
Nazir Ahmed (1)
Nazish Noorani (1)
Pakistan (1)
Patience (1)
Punjab (1)
retaliation (1)
Role Model (1)
Strong Families (1)
Supreme Court (1)
Taraweeh (1)
Tranquility (1)
Trust (1)
wali (1)
Women (1)


Project Sakinah
Dar al Islam
P.O. Box 180
Abiquiu, NM  87510