Anger and Abusive Relationships

Anger is a normal human emotion. Everyone can feel annoyed, frustrated, irritated, or even very angry on occasion. It is well known that some of the most esteemed Companions of our Prophet, may Allah bless him and give him peace, were men capable of great anger. But we also know from the well-known and rigorously authenticated report of Abu Huraira, that the Prophet, may Allah bless him and give him peace was asked by a man for advice, and he told him “Do not become angry.” When the man asked again, he was told “Do not become angry.”

In another sahih report from Abu Huraira, may Allah be pleased with him, we are told: “The strong is not the one who overcomes other people with his strength; the strong is the one who controls himself when angry.” And Bah bin Hakim, may Allah be pleased with him, reported that the Prophet, may Allah bless him and give him peace, said: “Anger spoils faith just as aloes spoils honey.”

Becoming angry from time to time does not necessarily mean that you are abusive. But when anger is frequent or very intense, it can cause a great deal of harm. And some of the most abusive individuals don’t show a hot, loud, form of anger – but rather are cold and calculated in their cruelty.

People are sometimes confused about Family Violence, believing that it is caused because one or more people in the family have a problem with anger. However, abuse is not an issue of anger. Rather it is an issue of power and control. Consider this: Would the man who screams at his wife because dinner is five minutes late be likely to scream at his boss, even if his paycheck wasn’t ready on time? We know that he is unlikely to scream at his boss. This demonstrates that the man can control his anger when he chooses to. It also demonstrates that the man allows himself to become abusively angry with only those over whom he has power and control.

There are many resources available for those who truly want to learn to better manage their anger. Here are a few videos concerning anger from the Islamic Perspective to motivate you.

Anger Management – An Islamic Perspective: Nouman Ali Khan

Anger Management – Qur’an and Sunna Media, lecture by Shaykh Mustapha Al Majzoub

Anger Management Khutba – Ustadh Mohamed Baajour

Here is an excellent resource to help you learn HOW to manage anger. Tips and Techniques for Getting Anger Under Control

But all the links and resources in the world aren’t going to change your behavior. If you are someone who is abusive when angry, take yourself to account and get some help from others who will hold you accountable.