Am I an Abuser?

Abusive behavior is simply not acceptable in Islam. Becoming angry from time to time does not necessarily mean that you are abusive. It is the way anger is expressed that makes it abusive. Some of the most dangerous abusive individuals don’t show a hot, loud, form of anger – but rather are cold and calculated in their cruelty.

Learn the signs of an abusive person, and if they apply to you, call yourself to account before you are called to account. The more of these warning signs sound familiar, the more crucial it is to help before it gets worse.

Signs of an Abuser

Both men and women can be abusers. The list below has some of the signs of an abuser. For more information about how abuse occurs in Muslim relationships, see The Muslim Wheel of Domestic Violence.

Does one person in a relationship:

• Insult the other in public?
• Become jealous if his/her spouse talks to others?
• Check in on the other constantly?
• Always decide what the other should do?
• Blow disagreements out of proportion?
• Threaten to break up/beat up, or constantly worry/accuse that the other will break up with them?
• Lose his/her temper verbally?
• Break or hit things to intimidate the other?
• Blame their spouse for their own problems?
• Abuse drugs and/or alcohol?

These are some of the signs of an abuser. When they are present, a cycle of abuse that characterizes an Unhealthy Relationship, is often also present.. If you recognize these symptoms for yourself or for your partner, for the sake of Allah and that of your family and your own well being, seek refuge in Allah and get HELP now. If none of these signs sound familiar, Alhamdulillah! Insh’Allah the traits of a Healthy Relationship will resonate with you.

Effects on the Abuser

The Prophet, may Allah bless him and give him peace, said: “Anger spoils faith just as aloes spoils honey.” (Abu Dawud, Tirmidhi) Abusive relationships affect both partners. Although the partner being abused is the true victim, the abuser is also suffering, and setting themselves up for more suffering in the future.

Abusive behavior toward anyone, or any thing in Allah’s creation, for that matter, damages your connection with Allah. Some of the other consequences that may occur are

• alienating and losing the respect of friends, family, and the larger community which leads to isolation,
• losing one’s job or being expelled from school, and
• ending up with a criminal record.

The earlier you can face what is going on, the sooner you catch it, the better chance you have of changing yourself and your life, while taking action to protect your loved ones, instead of putting them in harm’s way.